Pay the Price - Philemon 1:17-22
So far in our study of Philemon
we have explored three principles for developing good relationships with
others.
·
From verses 1-7 we focused on the importance of
being an encourager of others, of building others up. We are just naturally attracted to people who
affirm us. We saw from those first seven
verses that affirming people look for the best in others and bring out the best
in others.
·
Then, from verses 8-14 we focused on the
importance of being gracious in what we ask of others. In this letter Paul asks a great deal of
Philemon, but he did so in a gracious way.
Instead of “ordering” Philemon to do what he desired, Paul “appealed”
to him.
·
In the session last week, primarily from verses
15-16, we talked about the importance of fostering win/win situations with
others where both parties get something positive from the relationship.
Tonight, from
Philemon 1:17-25 we are going to focus on a fourth principle for developing
good interpersonal relationships. I am calling
this principle “Pay the price.”
No doubt you have
heard the old saying, “You get what you
pay for.” Like most truisms, that is
not always true. Sometimes you get less than you pay for and
on rare occasions you may get more than you pay for. But generally
that is true, and it is certainly true
in the area of relationships. If we are
not willing to pay the price of having good relationships in our lives, we
almost certainly will not have good relationships.
Look at Philemon
1:17-25. From what Paul says to Philemon
in those verses, I want to just list for you six things involved in paying the
price in our relationships.
I. Paying the price means being vulnerable,
open with other people.
1.
Without openness and a willingness to be vulnerable,
relationships never progress past the superficial level. And the great enemy of being open and
vulnerable with others is the fear of rejection. We fear that if other people know us as we
really are—if we share our true thoughts, feelings, and desires with them—they
will reject us. And, ironically, one of
the things necessary for having good relationships—being open and vulnerable—we
resist doing out of fear of losing a relationship.
2.
Verse 17 is the key verse in Philemon. The entire letter is summed up in this one
verse. “If then you regard me a partner,
accept him as you would me.” One of the striking things about that
statement is how open Paul was to Philemon and how he made himself vulnerable
to being rejected. Paul did not hesitate
to express openly his heart to Philemon.
He laid himself open to being
turned down, rejected. That is a risky
thing to do. But it was precisely
because Paul was willing to take that risk that he had such good relationships
in his life.
3. I think I should add a word of caution at
his point. Being open and vulnerable
does not mean that we tell everything to everybody. It does not mean that we are compelled to reveal
every detail of our lives to those with whom we are in relationship. But it does mean being willing to let down
the mask and the pretense and let other people into our lives. And when two people connect in openness,
honesty, and vulnerability, something wonderful happens in that relationship.
4.
Paul describes it with the word “partner” in verse
17. That word, which is from the same
word family as the word koinonia
meaning sharing or fellowship, carries the idea of two people bound together in
a mutually shared life. When we learn to
be open and vulnerable, a bond develops between us and others.
II. Paying
the price means being accepting of others.
1.
In verse 17 Paul asks Philemon to “accept” Onesimus, his
runaway slave. The word “accept”
is one of those compound words made up of a verb meaning “to take” and a preposition meaning “by the side”...the word means to take someone by your side or
alongside you...instead of pushing them away, draw them toward you...
2.
It does not mean to be blind to or ignore a person’s
faults...instead, it means to accept a person in spite of his or her faults...and
that spirit of acceptance is foundational to any healthy relationship...
3. Johnny Lee Clary and Wade Watts could not
have been more different. Clary was the
Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan in Oklahoma.
Watts was the African American pastor of a church in McAlester. They met in a radio station where they were
going to debate each other. When the
Reverend Watts walked into the station he saw Johnny Lee Clary defiantly
dressed in his white sheet. And then
Watts did an amazing thing. He walked
over to Johnny Lee, extended his hand, and said, “I love you.” The Grand
Dragon of the KKK was so caught off guard that he stuck out his hand and shook
hands with the black minister. That was
in 1979. Johnny Lee Clary never forgot
that moment. About 10 years later when
he came to faith in Christ, the first thing Clary did was to call on Reverend
Watts. Watts invited Clary to speak at
his church, and soon the two men began traveling together across the south
preaching about racial reconciliation.
That simple act of acceptance in a radio studio in 1979 led to a deep
relationship between two men who could not have been more different.
[Randall, O’Brien, Set Free by Forgiveness, pp. 76-77]
III. Paying
the price means being unselfish.
1.
Look at verse 18.
This is the verse on which some people base the belief that when
Onesimus ran away from Philemon he stole some money as he left. “But if he as wronged you in any way (obviously
Onesimus had wronged Philemon by running away, so this statement is probably
referring to something in addition to that), or owes you anything, charge that to my
account...” In the interest of
restoring the relationship between Onesimus and Philemon and in the interest of
keeping his own relationship with Philemon healthy, Paul said, “I am willing to pay anything Onesimus owes
you. Just charge it to me and I will
take care of it.”
2.
And that attitude of unselfishness is one of the keys
to Paul’s good relationship with Philemon.
Selfishness, self-centeredness are always barriers to healthy
relationships. You simply cannot be a
selfish person and maintain good relationships.
3.
It is not an exaggeration for me to say that the vast
majority of the problems I see in relationships—whether it is between
husbands/wives, parents/children, friend/friend—stem from selfishness. When we insist on getting what we want no
matter what the consequences to those around us, the key relationships in our
lives will crumble.
4. I love the little story that made the rounds
several years ago about a mother preparing pancakes for her two sons. The boys were fighting over who would get the
first pancake. The mother said to the
boys, “If Jesus were here, He would say
to his brother, ‘You can have the first one.’” Upon hearing that, one of the boys turned to
his brother and said, “Okay, you can be
Jesus!”
- We’ll never build healthy relationships with that
attitude.
IV. Paying
the price means being committed to the relationship.
1.
It wasn’t unusual for Paul to dictate his letters and
then write the last few lines in his own hand.
But in Philemon Paul begins writing a little sooner than he normally
would. Think there is a reason for that. After telling Philemon in verse 18 to charge
to him anything Onesimus might owe, Paul picks up the pen in verse 19 and
writes, “I will repay it...” It
is like Paul is providing his guarantee or signing a note.
2. And
what we can learn from that is that meaningful relationships are built on
commitment. In the pre-marital counseling process, I tell
every couple I marry that the glue which holds marriage together is not love;
it is commitment. Love is an
emotion. Sometimes you feel it very
strongly, and sometimes you may not feel it at all. On the other hand, commitment is an act of the
will. You don’t feel commitment; you
decide to be committed. Commitment is doing what is right, even when you don’t
feel like. And amazingly, when we do
what is right, our feelings will eventually catch up with that.
3.
To have a meaningful relationship you must be committed
to the relationship. Do what is
right. Don’t let your feelings shape
your commitment; let your commitment shape your feelings.
V. Paying
the price means being willing to receive that others have to give.
1.
Sometimes relationships do not work because one party
does not know how to accept graciously what the other party is able to
give. As I’ve said several times during
this study, healthy relationships must involve both giving and receiving. Just as it is not healthy for one person to
be always receiving, it is also not healthy for one person to be always
giving. There must be healthy balance
between the two.
2.
In verse 20, Paul expressed his willingness to receive
from Philemon by saying, “...let me benefit from you in the Lord;
refresh my heart in Christ.” We saw that word “refresh” back in verse
7. I mentioned several weeks ago the
word means to lift someone’s burden or to ease someone’s pain. By using that word, Paul is saying, “I am willing to accept your ministry to me,
to be blessed by what you are able to do for me.”
3.
Part of paying the price in relationships is allowing
other people to minister to and care for us.
VI. Paying the price means being willing to
hold others accountable.
1. In verse 22 Paul
tells Philemon, “...prepare me a lodging; for I hope that through your prayers I shall
be given to you.” Do you hear
what Paul is really saying there? In a
not so subtle way he is saying, “I’m
going to come personally and check up on you.
I want to see for myself how you and Onesimus are doing.” In other words, Paul was saying to his
friend, “I am going to hold you
accountable for what you do.”
2. Accountability is
essential for healthy relationships.
Husbands/wives who don’t hold each other accountable for maintaining the
integrity of the marriage relationship, father/mothers who don’t hold their
children accountable for keeping the rules they have set, employers who do not
hold employees accountable for their job performance are not strengthening but
undermining these essential life relationships.
T.S. – To have
healthy relationships, we must learn to pay the price--Be open, accepting,
unselfish, committed, willing to receive what others give, and willing to hold
others accountable. Doing those things
will help you build better relationships in your life.
Conclusion
1. At the outset of our study of Philemon, I
told you that one of the interesting things about this story is that we are not
told how it ends. The Scripture does not
tell us how Philemon responded to Paul’s request concerning the runaway slave,
Onesimus. But there may be a clue about
that from church history. In the year
115 A.D. a man known as Ignatius of Antioch wrote a letter to the Bishop of
Ephesus. And the name of the Bishop of
Ephesus was Onesimus. Many scholars
believe that is the same Onesimus referred to in the letter of Philemon.
2. It is a
wonderful thought that Philemon may have chosen to relate to Onesimus in the
same way Paul related to him. Affirming
him, be gracious to him, seeking a win-win relationship with him, and paying
the price to maintain a good relationship.
And as a result, Onesimus rose to a place of great prominence in the
early church.
3. Whether or
not that is what happened, I cannot say for sure. But I can say this. If we practice those four principles for
building better relationships in our lives, the people in our lives will be
blessed and we’ll have better relationships with them.
