Philemon 8-14

Philemon 8-14 – How to Make a Request of Others

1.     No doubt you have heard the old saying, “It is not so much what you say as how you say it.”  That is certainly a true statement.  More often than not, our demeanor, tone of voice, general attitude communicates much more than the words we choose to use.  Carol and I see that in relation to our dog, Zoe.  If weI say to Zoe, “You’re a bad dog” in a kind voice, she will wag her tail and think she is being complimented.  If we say to her, “You’re a good dog” in a harsh voice, she will think she is being reprimanded.  It’s not so much what we say as how we say it.
2.      In this session, as we continue our study of the letter to Philemon in the New Testament, we’re going to see an example of how to speak to another person… specifically how to make a request of another person.  I told you last week that Philemon is a letter written by the Apostle Paul to a man named Philemon who was a member of the church at Colossae, in the Roman Province of Asia.  Onesimus, a slave belonging to Philemon, had run away, made his way to Rome, and had become a Christian under the influence of Paul.  When Onesimus became a believer, Paul sent this runaway slave back to Philemon carrying the letter that we are currently studying.
3.      Philemon is a case study on building better relationships.  In Philemon are some basic principles that, if followed, will help us build better relationships in our lives.  Last week, from the first seven verses in this letter, we focused on the principle building others up.  We are just naturally attracted to people who affirm us.  We saw from those first seven verses that affirming people look for the best in others and bring out the best in others.
4.      The second principle for building better relationships has to do with how to make a request of others.  In this letter Paul asks a great deal of Philemon. 
·         First, he asks Philemon to do something that was completely out of character for the culture in which he lived.  Instead of punishing Onesimus for running away, Paul requested that Philemon accept him back as a brother in Christ. 
·         Second, there is some hint that Paul wanted Philemon to send Onesimus back to Rome to care for him during his imprisonment. 
      Look at vv.8-14 (text).

T.S. – Lasting relationships always involve give and take.  If in any relationship, one party is always giving and another party is always taking, that relationship will not last for long.  That is true whether the relationship is between two individuals, or between an individual and an organization such as a business or church, or between two organizations.  No relationship can endure if it is all one-sided.  There must be a healthy give and take.  And one key to developing a healthy give and take dynamic in a relationship is knowing how to ask for what we desire.  And in his letter to Philemon, Paul provides us an excellent model for how to make requests of others.

I.    We need to learn to make our request in the right way
  1. Paul realized that there were two ways he could approach Philemon with his request concerning Onesimus.  And, knowing what we do about Paul, it is reasonable to assume that he strongly considered both approaches.
  2. On one hand, Paul could have simply pulled rank on Philemon and told him what he had to do.  If Philemon chose to refuse, no doubt, Paul could have had him put out of the church at Colossae
·         In verse 8 Paul refers to this approach by saying, “...I have enough confidence in Christ to order you to do that which is proper.”  The word translated “to order” is a word used to describe a command given by a superior to an underling.  The exact word is used in Mark 6:27 where the Bible says that King Herod “commanded” or ordered an executioner to bring back the head of John the Baptist.  Paul was saying, “If I choose, I can just tell you what to do and if you fail to comply, you will suffer the consequences.” 
·         But Paul rejected this approach.  Why?  Not because it would not have achieved its intended purpose.  The truth is, Paul could have probably gotten Philemon to do what he wanted by ordering him.  But Paul rejected that approach because he knew it would do damage to the relationship between him and Philemon.
  1. The other approach Paul considered, and the one he chose to take, is spelled out in verse 9...”...yet for love’s sake I rather appeal to you...”
·         The word “appeal” is a wonderful word.  It is the word parakaleo from the verb kaleo (to call) and the preposition para (alongside).   By using this word Paul was, in effect, inviting Philemon to walk alongside him.  The word is used elsewhere in the New Testament to convey the idea of pleading or strongly urging or encouraging. 
·         When Paul used the word “appeal” he was signaling to Philemon that he was not speaking to him with the authority of an apostle.  As a matter of fact, in this letter Paul does not refer to himself as an apostle, but only as “a prisoner of Christ Jesus.”  He describes himself that way in verse 1 and again in verse 9.  Instead of placing himself in a position of authority over Philemon, Paul approached Philemon as a brother, pleading with him to do the right thing.

1.   And whenever we make requests of those around us, we always face the same choice that Paul faced in relation to Philemon.
·         We can attempt “to order.”  We can demand, threaten, bully, push, manipulate, and insist on getting what we want.  And while that may result in people giving in to us and our getting that which we demand, it certainly does not do anything to strengthen the relationships in our lives.  Instead, to does just the opposite, weakening and damaging relationships.
·         We can “appeal.”  We can invite people to walk alongside us, to try to see our perspective as we see their perspective.  And while the process may take a little longer and the results may not be as immediate, our relationships are strengthened and deepened.
  1. As we weigh the choice between ordering and appealing, we would do well to ask ourselves, “Which is more important—the thing for which I am asking or the relationship I have with the person from whom I am asking.”  For example is it more important to—
    • Maintain a good relationship with your spouse or to get you way in every little thing? 
    • Have your children love and respect you or for you to dominate every minute aspect of your children’s lives?
    • To keep your friends or to get your friends to conform to what you want?
    • Be accepted and admired by your co-workers or to intimidate your co-workers into accepting your ideas?
  2. It is significant that God has chosen to relate to us not through coercion or force or intimidation, even though He certainly could.  Instead, He appeals to us.  He graciously calls us to Him and gives us the option of saying yes or no.  And learning to approach the people in our lives that way enhances the possibility of having meaningful relationships with others.  To ask with class means to ask in the right way—not ordering others but appealing to others.

II.  We need to make sure we are asking for the right things.
1.      As we relate to the people in our lives, it is important that we not “over-reach.”  By that I mean, we should be sensitive in what we ask of them.  Just as it is possible to be boorish and demanding in how we ask, it is also possible to be that way in what we ask.  We need to make sure that we are reasonable in what we expect from people in the key relationships of our lives.
2.      Paul was careful to be that way in relation to Philemon.  In verse 13 Paul makes it clear that his preference would have been to keep Onesimus with him in Rome.  But he felt that was too much to ask of Philemon.  So, Paul sent Onesimus back to Philemon, asking only that Philemon would accept Onesimus back and not mistreat him.
3.      There is an important principle in that about maintaining healthy relationship. One sure way to destroy a relationship is to be unreasonable in what you ask or expect of another person.  I have seen—
·         Husband/wife relationships in shambles because one or perhaps both of the spouses demand nothing short of perfection from the other.  It is amazing how someone who seemed so perfect before the marriage can become so flawed after the marriage.  Cut your spouse some slack.  Don’t be overly demanding.  It will do wonders for your marriage.
·         Parent/child relationships deeply damaged because parents expect the child to be the smartest person in the class or the star player on the team.  Everyone cannot be the valedictorian or a super-star.  Encourage your child to reach his/her full potential, but don’t be unreasonable in what you expect.
·         Relationships between Christian irreparably harmed because of knit-picking over things that in the larger scheme of life don’t really matter.  Don’t expect perfection from the people around you.  Just like you, everyone else has weaknesses and faults too!
  1. The point I am making is that asking with class means that we ask for the right things.  Don’t expect more from people than they can reasonably deliver.
Conclusion
1.   Speak to people in the right way and don’t be unreasonable in what you asked of them.

2.   That is what Paul did in relation to Philemon.  And that is what the Lord expects us to do in relation to each other.

Philemon 1-7

Philemon 1-7 – Building Up Others

1.      It is an amazing story. 
·         It could easily be made into a movie or it could be the basis for a television mini-series.
·         The story has all the elements of a good drama—betrayal, dishonesty, failure, mystery, intrigue, anger, irony, revenge, grace, and redemption. 
·         We are not told how the story ends.  Instead, we are left to imagine how it all came out. 
·         And the most amazing thing about this story is that you will find it on the pages of the New Testament.
2.      There are three main characters in the story—the Apostle Paul, Philemon, and Onesimus.  Each plays a crucial role.
·         Paul was responsible for beginning churches throughout the 1st century world.  Many of the churches he began personally and many others were begun through his influence.  For several years Paul lived in and taught in the great city of Ephesus which is located in what is now modern day Turkey but what was then the Roman Province of Asia.  Some of the people Paul taught in Ephesus went out into the surrounding countryside of Asia to begin churches.  One of the those people was a man named Epaphras, who was a native a Colossae, a small town located on the Lycus River about 100 miles east of Ephesus.  After being discipled by Paul, Epaphras returned to his hometown of Colossae and started a church.
·         Philemon, the second major character in the story, was a member of the church at Colossae.  How and when he became a believer we do not know.  More than likely he was led to faith in Christ either by Paul in Ephesus or by Epaphras.  Either way, Paul would have been either directly or indirectly involved in Philemon becoming a Christian.  There is some indication that the church in Colossae actually met in Philemon’s home.
·         Onesimus is another major character in this story.  Onesimus was a slave who belonged to Philemon in Colossae.  At some point in time, for reasons we do not know, Onesimus ran away from his master.  In the ancient world, for a slave to run away was a capital offense, almost always punished by death.  To make matters worse, there is some indication that Onesimus stole some money from Philemon as he left.  Onesimus made his way to Rome and somehow became acquainted with Paul.  Through Paul’s influence, Onesimus—the run-a-way slave—became a Christian.  When Onesimus became a believer, Paul sent him back to face Philemon, the man from who he had stolen money and run away.  And with Onesimus, Paul sent a letter to Philemon which became part of the New Testament.
3.      You will find the letter to Philemon toward the back of your Bible, just after the book of Titus and just before Hebrews.  It is one of the shortest books in the Bible, just one chapter and twenty-five verses in length.   And because it is so short, we are likely to overlook it.  However, in my opinion, Philemon is the greatest case study in human relationships ever written.   I don’t know of a more important skill a person can learn that the skill of getting along with people.  According to the Carnegie Technical Institute, 90% of people who fail in their life’s vocation fail because of poor human relations skills.  [Gettin the Church on Target, Lloyd Perry, Moody, 1977] 
4.      For the next few weeks we are going to explore this little letter to Philemon.  There is much for us to learn from this letter about getting along with others. In this session we are going to focus on the first seven verses of the letter.  These verses remind us that one key to getting along with others is to be an encourager rather than a discourager. (text)

T.S. – Mark Twain, the famous American literary figure and philosopher, once said, “I can live for two months on one good compliment!” [The Art of Connecting, Hawkins, p.67] One of the basic principles of building better relationships with the people in our lives is simply learning to affirm them, to build them up, to make them feel better about themselves.  We are just naturally attracted to those who build us up and we naturally shy way from those who tear us down.  From the first part of Philemon I want to share with you some characteristics of people who affirm.

I.    Affirming people look for the best in others
1.      More than likely Paul had heard some negative things about Philemon.  Remember, when Paul wrote this letter, he had only heard Onesimus’ side of the story.  There was probably some reason Onesimus chose to put his life at risk by running away.  Perhaps we get a little glimpse of that reason in the letter Paul wrote to the Colossians, which was sent along with the letter to Philemon.  In Colossians, Paul instructed those who had slaves to treat them with justice and fairness.  Perhaps he had heard from Onesimus that Philemon was overly harsh, unjust, and unfair toward him.  Maybe it was out of frustration at the bad treatment that Onesimus finally broke and ran.
2.      But as you read Paul’s letter to Philemon, you would never know that Paul had heard anything negative about him.  Instead of focusing on the bad he may have heard, Paul focused on the good.  I want you to notice some of the very positive things Paul said about Philemon. 
·         “beloved” (v.1) – While the NASB inserts the word “brother” after beloved, in the Greek text there is only one word...it is from the same word family as the most basic word for love...the word used here carries the idea of “dear friend”...in effect Paul says, “When I think of you Philemon, I think of a much loved friend.”
·         “fellow worker” (v.1) – That is a special term Paul reserved for those people who were the closest to him—people like Timothy, Titus, the husband/wife team Aquila and Priscalla, and Epaphroditus.  In using this phrase to describe Philemon, Paul put Philemon is some elite company.  He was saying, “When I think of you Philemon, I think of someone who stands beside me in the work of the gospel.”
·         “I thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers…” – What a blessing it must have been to Philemon to hear that the great Apostle prayed for him personally.
·         “...I hear of your love, and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus, and toward all the saints...” (v.5) – That must have been an especially encouraging statement to Philemon.  After all, he knew that Onesimus had been with Paul.  He was probably concerned about what Paul was hearing about him from Onesimus.  I suspect Philemon was greatly relieved when Paul said in effect, “Here is what I hear about you.  I hear that you love people and that you are faithful to Jesus.” 
3.      And the point of all that is while Paul could have easily found something negative to say about Philemon, he did not do that.  He focused on that which was good and encouraging and positive.

1.      That is one key to having good relationships in any arena of life—home, school, work, neighborhood, or wherever.  When you deal with another person, you always have two choices.  You can
·         Approach that person looking for that which is good or bad...
·         Focus on strengths or weaknesses...
·         Look for the positive in that person or the negative...
And you will find that for which you look.  If you look for good, you will find it.  If you look for the bad, you will find that.  And those who are affirming are the ones who have developed the ability of maximizing the good in others and minimizing the bad in them.
2.      The Wharton School of Finance of the University of Pennsylvania conducted an extensive 20 year study of human relations techniques.  From the study a list was developed of 12 essential elements in dealing with people that result in successful business and social relationships.  I don’t have time to share all 12 with you, but I want to share the first and last things on this list because they speak specifically to looking for the good in people rather than the bad.
·          #1 – “Do not criticize, condemn, or complain.”
·          #12 – “Look for the best in people with whom you deal, expect the best from them, ask for good things to come out of your relationship with them, and a high percentage of good works will be the end result.” [Indispensable Habits, Doc Blakely]
3.      Affirming people look for the best in others.  But not only do they look for the best in others…

II.  Affirming people bring out the best in others
1.      Paul says a very interesting thing to Philemon in verse 6.  He says, “As I pray for you, one thing I ask is that ‘your faith may become effective.’  It is not that Philemon’s faith was ineffective.  In the verses before and after this statement Paul expresses appreciation for Philemon’s effective faith.  In verse 7 Paul says a very lovely thing about the effectiveness of Philemon’s life in relation to others.  He said, “… the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.”  And that word translated “refreshed” is rich in meaning.  It means to lift a burden or to ease someone’s pain.  Philemon had done a lot of good for a lot of people.
2.      But the point of the phrase in verse 6 about Philemon’s faith becoming effective is that Paul believes Philemon can do more, can become even more effective.
3.      Affirming people are always telling others, ”You can be better.  You can do more.  I have confidence in you.  I believe in you.  Do not sell yourself short.”
4.      In the movie As Good As It Gets staring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt is a moving scene.  Jack Nicholson, plays a character named Melvin Udall.  The character is obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered, and generally disagreeable person.  Helen Hunt plays a waitress named Carol Connelly.  Carol Connelly is a single mom to whom Melvin Udall is attracted.  In one scene they are having dinner and Carol Connelly finally has all of Udall’s critical attitude she can stand.  She asks him something like, “Could you tell me one good thing about me?”  After thinking for a while, Udall replies, “You make me want to be a better man.”
5.      That is what affirming people do.  They make us want to be better people.  They bring out the best in us.
Conclusion
1.   The most effective affirmer who ever lived was Jesus, Himself.  When you read about His life in the Scripture, it becomes clear that He spent His life going around affirming people, giving them a pat on the back, and offering them a word of encouragement.  Whether it was a woman caught in the act of adultery, a despised tax-collector like Matthew or Zacheaus, an immoral Samaritan woman shunned by other people, Simon Peter who seemed to have a tendency to promise more than he could deliver, to the thief who died on a cross next to Him, to scores of other people, Jesus always looked for the best in others and always brought out the best in others.
2.   And that is precisely how He calls those of us who follow Him to relate to people.  Do you want to have good, healthy, fulfilling relationships in your life?  Then do what Jesus did and what Paul did in relation to Philemon.  Be affirming.